Wordless Wednesday

The Dinosaur is NINE, people.

Yesterday, I was cleaning the basement. Dino came down to see me. He was just goofing around and chattering; and then suddenly, a mood change swept over as his face crumpled. He came to me, sobbing, and said, “I’m… [gasp] going to miss… [snert] being… [gasp] EIGHT.”

*blink*
*blink blink*

I wasn’t sure how exactly to handle it. There’s nothing in the manual about aging lament in children. That’s usually something you have to deal with at a 30th birthday party when you’re holding your girlfriend’s hand and nodding sympathetically as she sobs, “I’m going to miss my twenties.”

You look deep into her leaky eyes and say, “If we were lesbians, I’d totally do you, honey. You’re so smokin’ hawt, you hoochiemama.”

Then buy her a shot of tequila (with lime and salt– lickitslamitsuckit), wahlah, problem solved.

At least until later when the munchies kick in and you’re trying to find her a 24 hour restaurant that has breakfast all day/night and she’s hanging out the car window yelling, “Pancakes! That’s all I want! Is that so WRONG?!” and offering strangers to trade her bra for a sports drink.

So while I’m totally hip on the tequila/pancakes solution, what was I to do with a sobbing newly-nine-year-old? Same thing I do at least once a day– improvise. I hugged him and tried to assure him that NINE was going to be so much more fun than EIGHT. NINE is hawsum, he’s going to looove NINE. He didn’t buy it. He had just lost his best friend, EIGHT, and he didn’t want NINE.

*sigh*

But my baby’s NINE. When did that happen?! Did anyone consult me? Did I miss a memo?

Two days before he was done cookin’

Two weeks old

Christmas 99

Almost 1 year old

2 years old

2002

2003

2004

2005

2006

2007

August 2, 2008 – NINE years old!

You make me happy… angry… ecstatic… suspicious… proud… frustrated… hopeful… sometimes all in one day. Sometimes all in one hour.

Dad blesses you every night with this verse and he always will… “The LORD bless you and keep you; The LORD make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace.”’ Numbers 6:24-26 (New King James Version)

Happy Birthday, you little honyock… someday I’ll tell you your whole birth story. It’s a good one.

I love you, boo.

[No Tequila Pancakes were administered to any or all of the children in this story.]

Once upon a time last week, we drove to Michigan to visit my mommy and The Seester. Kizzle and I loaded up the boys and the dog in a VERY small Stratus; one that got smaller and smaller as the drive went on. Hunky drove out on the bike later because of *groan* work and school.

We stayed at my sister’s. Mom came over and we grilled and talked and drank beer. At one point, Dino went and sat on Seester’s lap and she leaned into him and deliberately burped in his ear. He turned around to look at her, and completely dead-pan said, “That was HAWT”. I laughed so hard I almost peed. That’s my boy. We’re SO proud.

My mommy and Elli’s mommy 

Then we went out for a couple drinks.
I keesd mai seester!

Gratuitious Drunk Bitch shot… did somebody goose the seester?!

Then we rode horses…
Mah Kizzle riding Foxy

Me riding Slim. He’s over 16 hands… it’s a looong way to the ground!

Rocky riding Slim

Slim’s got one dark eye and one watch eye

Horse hoof trimmings are considered
a delicacy among discerning canines everywhere

Deer are nothing but 500 pound RATS.

And then Elli discovered the frogs in the swamp.
She scared a batch of them and when they all jumped at once,
she went nuts trying to catch them all and jumped withers-deep into the swamp.
She smelled like mud plus pond scum plus horse poop with a side of roadkill.
We had to hose her ass down before she could come in the house!

Da Beer. Kizzle trying to turn my dog into an alcoholic.
Don’t worry, it was only a few drops in the bottom.

Sunset from Mom’s backyard

Bonfire was complete with beer, shootin’ the shit,
toasted marshmallows, and laughing so hard we almost peed.
Actually, I believe a couple of the gents present actually did.

What’d Smoky say?!

Click that picture up there and add a comment to tell me what you’d caption this photo!

Entries accepted until 07/25/2008 9pmCST– Winner will be announced 07/26/2008
Prize will be something from the bottom of my purse, perhaps a half pack of Fruit Sensations gum! Meaningful dialogue regarding whether the pack is half-empty or half-full is optional. But technically moot, as facts of math will prove half has nothing to do with it, because it’s almost empty.

The whole set is here. There’s some really funny ones, including one where Smoky winked at me which was fairly disturbing. I added some amusing notes and descriptions to many of them (there’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back). Feel free to add a comment to any and let me know what you think of my mad picture takin’ skillz. Flickr comments are almost as exciting to me as blog post comments. *nudge nudge elbow poke wink wink*

A refresher on buzzing like a bee through a set…

And a good time was had by all. The End. *curtain falls*

Hey, folks; I apologize for the blazing mania in that last post. I get a little wonky when I’m PMSing. It usually swings the other way so I was just as surprised as you. *snorts* Usually I can keep the Can ‘O Crazy tightly lidded, but oops, a little leaked out.

Whirlwind trip to STL; down on Friday, back up on Sunday. Here’s the post-game highlights.

On the way to St. Louis…
[HunkyDory passes a sign stating "<-- Eolia 2 miles"]
Dory: Did you see that town name? Eolia. E-OOOOOOH-leeeee-ah.
Hunky: Do you realize that name has only one consonant?
D: What, were vowels on sale on town-naming day?!
H: What if someone named their baby daughter that? You just know she’d hit middle school and the kids would call her Areola. Or just Nipple.
[laughing like 13 year olds]

A little later… [Dino has been talking non-stop for about three hours straight.]
D: Hey, Rocky.
R: [voice completely saturated with sarcasm] What, Oh Lord Of Everlasting Babble?! What else could you possibly have to say?!

[Boys camped out in Gramma and Grampa's living room. Lights out. Hunky went in there to get a box of kleenex]
Hunky: [stage-whisper] Go to sleep. You are rotten little boogerheads.
Rocky: [doesn't even miss a beat] Boing, Fwip.

We went to BodyWorlds3 which is very serious and educational and somber. I sent MelodyAnn a very naughty pic I took at the exhibit, because sometimes I’m 12. (Of what? Give you three guesses and the first two don’t count.) I’ll opt against posting it here now since I really am 35 most of the time. But I thought about it. I probably won’t be able to stand it and post it later anyway.

We got to see my folks’ new house and it was 72º most of the weekend. On the way home, we watched the temperature steadily plunge until we hit Iowa City where it was 34º and raining/snowing, which prompted a serious discussion on the possibility of a move to St. Louis.

On the way home…
[In the homestretch. Boys have resorted to telling each other really stupid jokes. Over and over and over.]
Dino: Knock Knock!
Rock: Who’s there?
Dino: Interrupting Cow!!
Rock: Interr–
Dino: MOOOOO!!!
[then they both got a serious case of the giggles and it all went downhill from there]

And, folks, I’m very happy to announce you helped me make it through February. For the last several years, February has been a very tough month for me to get through. The Black Monster usually gets the best of me, but not this year. I won, this year. Awesome. :)

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude. Watch out for the freezing rain, though. Road may be slippery when wet.

So… I thought, what we need is a Holiday Family Quality Time Activity. I decided that we could make a double batch of Chex Mix together. Afterward, I thought, what I really needed is A Healthy Dose Of Reality. Because for a minute I forgot that we’re completely incapable of making poignant holiday Kodak moments. Oh, well. Witness the festive dysfunction.

Let me start out by saying, my point-and-shoot takes really fantastic pics. If by fantastic, you mean, taking pictures that look either like they were inside a deep bat infested cave or on the surface of the sun. Photoshop is my BFF. I don’t get out much. That said, let’s proceed with the merriment.

It all starts out very bright and shiny.
The table is clean, the boys are on their very best mediocre behavior,
and I haven’t cried or done any shots. Yet.
“Cheeeeeeeese!”

Let’s start out by putting the dry ingredients together.
Within one minute, Dino wandered off.
“Mom, why are we measuring? Why can’t we just dump it all into one big bowl?”
“Because… because I said so. Where did your brother go?”
“I don’t know.”
“Dino, get back in here, dammit!”

The battles begin.
“I want to put in the Chex.” “No, I want to put in the Chex!”
“No fair!” “Shut up!”
“I am going to take this box of Chex and
cram it right up your dookyhole
if you don’t quit fighting.”

Hunky reminds me that this is supposed to be fun and
we are making Wonderful Christmas Memories.
I clench my teeth behind the “smile”.
“Yeah, yeah; sure, sure; just take the friggin’ picture already.”

I blow my referee whistle and remind them that there is still time
to take all the presents back to the store.
The sudden quiet allows me to lay down the law.
“Ok, you can put in that Chex, and you can put in that Chex,
and you can put in the pretzels, and you can put in the nuts.”

The kitchen buzzes with activity. The war is in a temporary truce.
I inhale and exhale for the first time since we started.
“I’m trying to make Wonderful Christmas Memories for you here.
Let’s try to get along so we can make some
damn Wonderful Christmas Memories!”

I doggedly plod on and start putting the butter and spices together.
[buzz of busy activity]

I ask Hunky to shake it (the dry mix, not his pockets) like a
poloroid picture while I slowly pour the wet stuff in.
Hunky wisely wastes no time in obeying my every whim.
Rocky snatches up the abandoned camera and
captures the edge-of-your-seat action.
“Pour it slower.”
“Shake it faster.”
[Barry White voice] “Slower, baby.”
“I want you so much right now.”

I’ve poured the evidence of our weird family dynamics (i.e. the first batch)
into the pans and started on the second batch. Notice the natives have deserted.
[humming] “Gramma got run over by a reindeer…”

Oh, God help me, they’re back. And wired for sound. Notice Dino’s eyes.
That amount of energy in one child is quite the spectacle to behold.
[electrical buzzing of energy]

They start running around the house trying to test their theory
that if they run fast enough, the camera can’t catch them. True story.
[click]
“Was I a blur then?” “Can I see the picture?”
“Dang it, we have to try it again faster!”

This time I move fast enough the camera can’t catch me.
I go the cupboard for alcohol.
[racetrack sound fx]

I breathe for the second time since we started, in anticipation
of the holiday joy that is Eggnog with a Double Shot of Kahlua.
The boys continue to test their theory.
I stand oblivious; I’m gettin’ my holiday drink on, baby.
[zoooom... brakes screech]
“Was I a blur then?” “Can I see the picture?”
“Dang it, we have to try it again faster!”

Rocky buzzes with energy. He looks like he may be close to exploding, does he not?
I contemplate beaning him with the bottle, but that would be alcohol abuse.
“Don’t test me, boy. I can make another one just like you.”

Finally. It’s just me and my creamy, nutmeg-y, alcoholic friend.
[twisting cap breaks safety seal]

Dino continues the research for the “faster than the camera” theory.
“Back off, kid; Mom’s busy. Oh, yeah. Come to mama.”

Hunky enjoys eggnog sans Kahlua.
I’m having a difficult time fathoming the point of Kahlua-less eggnog.
“No, I will not smile. I’m very gruff and rugged and manly.”

Hunky gets Rocky to try eggnog. Will he like it?
[audience holds collective breath]

I think that’s a no.
“BLEK!”

Hunky breaks gruff and rugged and manly character.
“Now that’s funny, I don’t care who ya are!”

Now Hunky says Dino has to try eggnog.
He reassures him it is quite tasty; Dino remains a skeptic.
“Awwww, do I hafta?” “Yes, you certainly do.”

Dino employs an oft-attempted stalling tactic. It goes over like a fart in church.

“Yes. Down the hatch.”
“But this is my new Bionicle and his name is…”
“NOW.”

Dino sees the futility of the maneuver and reluctantly complies.
[audience holds collective breath]

Dino dittos Rocky’s vote. Hunky empathizes.
Final Tally: Boys, 2; Eggnog, 0.
“YUCK!” “Yuck.”