I haven’t highlighted some of the, ah, unique search terms that people have googled and landed here at Chez Dory lately. It needs to happen a little more often, because I need to share the giggles that ensue.

However, that’ll hold for another day. I want to tell you about what DIDN’T drive search traffic here that I thought WOULD, and DID drive search traffic here that I never guessed WOULD have.

In this post here, it was just a Blog Stew Day, and here are two separate paragraphs from that post.

I can’t play a board game with my boys for two minutes before I’ve ripped out my hair and set fire to it as a diversionary tactic to buy myself 15 precious seconds in order to quickly leave the room, jump in the car, and buy the next ticket out of the country to go buy my Himalayan Whistle Kid. Himalayan Whistle Kids don’t ask you to referee and endure mental torture under the guise of Family Game Night. Himalayan Whistle Kids sit in the corner and make origami out of Tupperware parings and golden mushroom gravy, silently thankful for the bountiful blessings I bestow upon him.

*****

I’ve been watching what weird-ass Google searches led people to my blog. I’m sorry to say nothing noteworthy has turned up as of late. It’s high time that situation was rectified.

Gerbil fist anus heaving breasts. Turtle nostril vibrate peanut butter. Earrings nipple piercings Prince Albert. Incandescent lightbulb stuck pelvic x-ray. Leprechaun rape Sasquatch erotic. Ginormous tumescent phallic wonder. Me love you long time. Llama sexy single girls gone wild illegal. Pulsing womanhood slippery entice wandering eyes. Harley Davidson shop exhibitionist Yankees voyeur vibrate vibrate vibrate. Semen bukkake alluring tantric orgasm. Hitler rectal donkey punch romantic evening. Foaming pubic kneecaps licking toe jam. Tongue giraffe kneel job. Sexy Premier Chain expose nudist Santa. Oh, me so horny. Oh, and smegma.

That oughta do it.

Not one single word from the second quote has driven any traffic here. However… “Himalayan Whistle Kid”*has brought SIX different people here.

Whodah thunk it?!

*I’m pretty sure I got “Himalayan Whistle Kid”
from a Will & Grace episode. I wish I could take
credit for it, but whadarya gonna do. *shrugs*

A long, looooong time ago (ok, only 25ish years), in a land far faaaaaar away (ok, Fremont MI), I played Aggravation with my grandparents. It had a black board, four different color marbles and two dice and worked like Sorry!. Both grandparents played that game with me for hours and days and weeks.

How in the name of all that’s sacred did they do it?!

I can’t play a board game with my boys for two minutes before I’ve ripped out my hair and set fire to it as a diversionary tactic to buy myself 15 precious seconds in order to quickly leave the room, jump in the car, and buy the next ticket out of the country to go buy my Himalayan Whistle Kid. Himalayan Whistle Kids don’t ask you to referee and endure mental torture under the guise of Family Game Night. Himalayan Whistle Kids sit in the corner and make origami out of Tupperware parings and golden mushroom gravy, silently thankful for the bountiful blessings I bestow upon him.

I’ve been watching what weird-ass Google searches led people to my blog. I’m sorry to say nothing noteworthy has turned up as of late. It’s high time that situation was rectified.

Gerbil fist anus heaving breasts. Turtle nostril vibrate peanut butter. Earrings nipple piercings Prince Albert. Incandescent lightbulb stuck pelvic x-ray. Leprechaun rape Sasquatch erotic. Ginormous tumescent phallic wonder. Me love you long time. Llama sexy single girls gone wild illegal. Pulsing womanhood slippery entice wandering eyes. Harley Davidson shop exhibitionist Yankees voyeur vibrate vibrate vibrate. Semen bukkake alluring tantric orgasm. Hitler rectal donkey punch romantic evening. Foaming pubic kneecaps licking toe jam. Tongue giraffe kneel job. Sexy Premier Chain expose nudist Santa. Oh, me so horny. Oh, and smegma.

That oughta do it.

Yesterday The Rockstar took his life into his own hands and pointed out the fine Polish heritage sprouting from my chin. I ran into the bathroom hysterically bawling, and Hunky gently took Rocky under his wing and suggested to him some much less violent ways to die.

The Dinosaur thinks very visually. And reads a lot of Calvin & Hobbes.

Dino likes Britny. I told him that Britny would be coming over soon, and he said, “I just love Brit-tah-nee.” He flourished his hands from his hips and up above his head and stated matter of factly, “Hearts are coming out from me all over.”

Well, I think I’ve done enough damage for one day. Tune in tomorrow, same bad time, same bad station.

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude. Word.

Thanks for the input on the resume, guys; I really appreciate it. :)

My Voc Rehab guy is going to ask advice from another Voc Rehab guy that works with all d/hoh clients. He looked over my resume packet and said it just screamed this gal knows what she’s doing and agreed that it is very weird to not have gotten an interview yet. Good meeting today. I have homework. I have to answer a bunch of questions that will show them I’m not just a psycho graphic designer dreaming she can work from home. I’m a cute psycho graphic designer dreaming she can work from home. Ha! That was funny right there. I don’t care who ya are.

******

Ladies and Gents, it’s time for another riveting episode of…
Funny/Strange or Funny/HaHa? Stuff People Googled to Stumble Onto My Blog!

“it’s like a superpower really”
I know, isn’t the Cloak of Stupidity grand? What with your amazingly annoying tendency to actually achieve a negative m.p.h. when you have make a turn off the busy road right in front of me, coupled with your stunning ability of being purposefully obtuse, you must be drunk with power.

Which segues oh-so-nicely to…

budlight i love you man
*stumbles and sloshes drink* I luff yew too *hiccup* maaaaan. But yew stiiiilllllll kant haf mai budlight. kthxbai.

Thanks for playing everybody! We have some wonderful parting gifts for you!

******

I can’t eat onions or tomatoes. Love the taste. Abhor the texture. It makes my teeth cringe. We substitute dried minced onion and tomato paste. No cut up onion or stewed tomatoes for me, thanks.

******

I’ve been thinking what exactly is the purpose of NaBloPoMo or NoBloMeMoFo or NotNoWhySoPo or whatever it is? My theory is to get you past what you normally write about, what you had for lunch or memes, into something outside your comfort zone. But I haven’t decided what that is yet. It’s like when your Creative Writing Teacher made you write for 15 minutes straight no stopping no matter what. I hated That Guy. I also detest the phrase “comfort zone”. It’s overused psychobabble and has lost meaning. Did you notice that when you hear a word too much, it loses meaning? What’s up with that? Is that our brain getting bored and wandering off?

Smock. Smock Smock. Smock Smock Smock Smock Smock. See? Word has lost all meaning.

******

Google Reader says I have 53 unread posts. 53. All you sane NoBloFoMe people, do us crazy NahNoMoFoMe people a favor and comment like your life depends on it. We’re spending too much time writing aimlessly on our blogs to have time to comment on everyone else’s. Please save us from ourselves, it’s really a mercy you’re doing us. I’ll try to make it worth your while… here’s cute blog bling. Feel free to take it and/or pass it on. Just tell ‘em Dory maded it all by hursef!

And in the time it took me to make that button, upload it, and squish it here, two more unread posts. Up to 55…. 55, people. How am I supposed to get anything accomplished here? I mean, let’s face it, that Grey’s Anatomy Season 3 set isn’t going to watch itself.

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude.

I’m slipping.

I get my meds courtesy of the drug companies. If you know anyone who has trouble affording their meds, tell them to go to www.needymeds.com. Depending on the drug, they will pre-approve you for up to a year’s worth free and send your supply to your doctor’s office every 4 months. I had about a 7 days worth of Strattera and 4 days worth of Wellbutrin left, so I called the nurse to get some more. I thought it might take only a week to come in, but it takes 7 to 10 business days.
*writes a post-it “Allow 10 days notice to get another 4 month supply” and slaps it on the monitor*
Strattera came in yesterday, just in the nick of time to make the marbles go away. One of the withdrawal effects I get is the sensation that my head is a glass jar filled with marbles. As I move my head, the marbles shift and the affect is so strong, it’s almost an audible sensation of the marbles moving and clanging together against the glass.
But I’m still waiting for the Wellbutrin.
I’m barely hanging on by oily-slick hands dangling over the fathomlessly deep black abyss, eyes wide open and betraying disinterest in the outcome. Look up ‘apathy’ in your dictionary. You’ll see a little picture of yours truly. If I could muster up the emotion, I’d be disgusted with myself. But I don’t really care enough. I don’t like giving into the nothing; I just don’t have any fight in me to resist it. Although, I suppose, this post is an half-assed attempt at flipping The Finger at the depression.

A couple days ago someone googled this search and subsequently stumbled onto my site…
“shoot I can’t remember”
Welcome to my world, dude.
Within the last hour…
“scrub doo rag sewing pattern”
Shweeet. Maybe I should actually post the pattern I made that works. Sorry, you came here and read about my success. I wouldn’t blame you for muttering, “Bitch. Now where’s the friggin’ pattern that worked?” before you wandered off to the next hit on your search.
“perverty” (and, bonus plan, the google page is in what I think is Arabic)
It’s ok. Every now and then, everyone just feels a little perverty. It doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. Unless you’ve violated an animal. Then, shame on you!

Phil is posting her WL progress on her blog; and it makes me ashamed. Here’s my fitness secrets, but just for the last few days. Don’t want to give away the farm.
Thursday -
10.30am 12 oz can of Mt Dew
1.30pm 2 Marlboro Ultralight 100
2.15pm-5.15pm nursed a 20oz bottled water
3.45pm 1 MU100
5.15pm another smoke
5.30pm half a Small DQ Pumpkin Pie Blizzard
8pm Helped Hunky haul out our old waterbed mattress and put the brand spankin’ new conventional mattress and box spring in its place. (Rent-to-own place going out of business; $40! YAY!) And that’s the extent of any real physical exertion for Thursday.
8.15pm 1 Hot Pocket Chicken Pot Pie
8.45pm 2 Oatmeal Raisin cookies and 1 10oz glass of 2% milk
Friday -
10.30am 12oz Mt Dew and 1 pkg Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls
Physical Exertion None

I know you’re impressed.

I want to make a big crock pot of homemade chicken noodle soup. Chicken – check. Broth – check. Veggies – check. Mom’s homemade noodle recipe – check. BUT. What do you like to season your chicken noodle soup with?

Rip it…
*sits down on the floor and sighs*

I signed up for a free sitemeter account a few days ago, intrigued by posts I read where the bloggers were telling what people had googled and stumbled on their site. After only a few days, I actually saw a couple interesting ones pop up.
“famous people in Melba Idaho” What was this teacher smoking to come up with such a weird idea for a report? Poor kid.
“antichrist turkey vulture” Which creepy damn zoo are you researching?

Here’s a meme I came across and decided to do for poops & chuckles. Let me maintain another delusion that you may want to know more about me, mkay?

4 Jobs I’ve Held

1. MCI – taking abuse from disgruntled customers over the phone
2. McLeodUSA – taking abuse from disgruntled customers over the phone and later moved up to working with other phone technicians to switch folks to McLeodUSA
3. Pearson Educational Measurement – designed (and I use that term VERY loosely) forms and testing booklets for national standardized testing. Insert tab a into slot b. repeat. *yawn*
4. A print shop here in CR with less than 25 employees and 2M/month sales headed up by an evil garden gnome and primarily supported by a female baboon whose main hobbies were wielding the almighty power that she was the top salesperson, hating me, pissing all over my desk, and licking the jar on the shelf with aforementioned evil garden gnomes’ tiny little nuts floating in formaldyhyde. But the important thing is I’m Not Bitter.

4 Films I Could Watch Over and Over

1. Finding Nemo
2. About Last Night…
3. Cats
4. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

4 TV Shows I Watch

1. Friends (I’ve watched all 10 seasons at least 4 times)
2. Scrubs
3. Grey’s Anatomy
4. American Idol (but only the first couple episodes of the season with the frighteningly embarrassingly horrible auditions)

4 Places I’ve Lived

1. Coldwater, Michigan
2. Quincy, Michigan
3. Cedar Rapids, Iowa
4. A perpetual state of anxiety

4 Favorite Foods

1. Steak, medium rare
2. Chicken Wrap
3. Ice Cream – Chocolate with Cherries and Chocolate Covered Caramel Bits
4. Faygo Rock n’ Rye

4 Websites I Visit Everyday

1. Flickr
2. Amazon or eBay
3. Hotmail and/or Yahoo!
4. Google Reader (trying keep up with almost 40 blogs AND comment somewhat regularly)

4 Favorite Colors

1. Green, both Kelly and Lime
2. Orange, both Pumpkin and Nectarine
3. Candy Apple Red
4. Plum

4 Places I Would Love to Be Right Now

1. In a beautiful hotel wandering between the hot tub, the hotel bar for a glass of merlot and a smoke, and propped up in bed with at least a half dozen pillows watching movies with Hunkaliscious
2. Working in a fantastic graphic designer position
3. Strolling down Sac and Fox Trail with my Hunk, my boys, and my dog
4. Shopping with my girlfriends and a winning lottery ticket in my pocket

4 Names I Love But Would/Could Not Use for my Children

1. Jaron (which The Ex unabashedly stole and used for his son)
2. Jahrissa
3. Noah
4. Mahleah (say Molly)

Since no one tagged me, I won’t tag anyone. But feel free if you have extra time.

Punch it, dude. Out.