So be it.

Around a year ago, a wise woman prayed with me and then told me… “He wants you to seek His face; not His hand.” I need to do that more. I’ve been asking Him for money to pay my bills and a job for my husband that will pay well and make him happy. He hasn’t answered me yet, or maybe He’s answered, “Not yet.” But He’s given me encouragement today that I wasn’t asking for and can never do anything to deserve. He’s GOOD.

(There’s some vaguely not safe for work pictures and video if your boss is a total douche-canoe. If your boss is pretty cool, actually, you’re going to need to call him/her in to show them the knitted naughties.)

Well, hi there! *said in Ellen Degeneres’s voice as Dory*

Are you new here? FABULOUS. GET TO KNOW ME.

About five weeks ago, I had an idea. A wonderful idea. A wonderful, terrible, phenomenally hawsum idea. But at first I couldn’t figure out how to make it happen. I emailed a few of my favorite bloggers who knit. I struck out. I emailed a few IRL friends who knit. I struck out.

THEN. I got a wonderful idea. A wonderful, terrible, PHENOMENALLY HAWSUM idea. You know who could find someone to help me? My favorite bloggers who I have read since 2007. She’s probably your favorite blogger, too. And if she’s not, she SHOULD be. True story.

——

From: dory -at- cantrememberdiddly -dot- com

Subject: Something NOT having to do with knitted reproductive systems (I’m totally lying.)

Date: February 23, 2011 10:27:06 AM CST

To: jenny -at- if you want her email you need to do the legwork because I did dammit dot com

Dear Jenny,
I sent you a message on Facebook, but maybe it got lost in the shuffle. Or, my subject field, which was,”Crafting realistic genitalia for fun and profit (Seriously.)” alerted Facebook censors, which begs the question, Have they MET you?!?! :D  I’ll choose a different subject for the email and maybe it won’t hit your spam filter.

ANYWAY.

Hi, I’m Dory, and I’ve been reading your blog for about three years. Coincidentally, I have stains on my hard wood floors from spitting various liquids due to sudden uncontrollable laughter while reading your blog, but, that is neither here nor there. Which makes me wonder where it is REALLY, because if it’s neither here nor there, where else could it be, I mean, besides up Al Gore’s left nostril, which is totally possible for anyone who invented the internet. Anyway.First of all, I have to tell you that you are totally my hero, actually, heroine, which is not at all the same as heroin, except now that I consider it more carefully, yes, yes you are totally my heroin. My heroine AND my heroin. I shall refrain from breaking into “You are the Wind Beneath My Wings” now, which is good because 1- you couldn’t hear me anyway and 2- I am Deaf so it would be a new and improved version of horrifying.

I have a special request. I have looked all over the internet for it, and not only did I not find even close to what I was looking for, I am now psychologically scarred for life and have wonderfully terrifying new issues to take to my therapist.

I wanted to run something by you to see if you would maybe be willing to help me. I would run it by my readers, but I have, like, 3, and they all said they can’t fulfill my request. THANKS A LOT, 3 READERS.

Ok, before I tell you what I’m looking for, you have to know that I’m a Passion Parties consultant but not one of those total crazy stalker, over persistent, 5 voicemail leaving, kind of consultants. More like the 2 facebook page having, good sale giving, sex education imparting, kind. I got into this because the job market, oddly enough, doesn’t have a whole lot of room for a Deaf whacknut. Screw you, job market, if you haven’t figured out that Deaf whacknuts would make you infinitely more interesting. Kind of like when you get drunk at a party to be more funny, except totally not like that.

Ok, here’s the deal.

I did a party Friday night, and I was trying to show the girls how one of the c-ring toys work. I was having a hard time explaining that you could put the vibrating bullet on the clitoris or down on the perineum. I thought, I wish I had a fake vagina and penis that wasn’t creepy or skeevy so I could just go “this goes here and that goes there and viola!” Then I thought, what about knitted or crocheted ones? Then they’re actually kind of cute and funny not porny and skeevy! I went on etsy but couldn’t find what I wanted. I asked a few different knitters I know, but they said that sort of project was beyond their capabilities. I even asked Schmutzie because of that cat with the butthole and the Louella the Crack Whore she knitted. She said it sounded like a really fun project but she didn’t think she had the technical know-how to do it. But I love her even though she couldn’t give me a knitted vagina and penis combo, and if that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

The penis would be really easy I bet but the vagina would be kinda tricky. I think I would want to have it, like, picture a doll that got the top cut off right below the belly button (or right above and give her a cute naval ring) and then at the top of the legs so you just have the important part of the torso and pelvis. Kind of like if you took a chain saw to a mannequin except less weird. I would want it to have a tube going in for the vagina so I could insert the knitted penis. I would want it to have lips and a clitoris, maybe even one that peeked out of a small hood like a real clitoris. I would want the skin tone for both to be neutral, not white or black, maybe a hispanic skin tone. I would like the penis to be uncircumcised, and be kinda realistic with a head with a frenulum and a scrotum and about 5″ to 6″ long and an average girth so it doesn’t intimidate any of the men at the couples parties. I would like both to have dark pubic hair but not any longer than 1/2″ to 3/4″. I would like it to be the small, tight kind of knitting so the stuffing doesn’t show through at all. Maybe that tight kind of knitting is actually crocheting, I’m not sure. Hey, remember that one episode of friends when Chandler walks in and sees Rachel’s boobies through the holes in the afghan? See also: I may watch too many Friends reruns.

So I thought maybe, perhaps, possibly, you would be willing to reach out to your readers (cheese and rice, you add 35 to 40 EVERY DAY to your FB!) and see if any of them have the talent to make this sort of thing. Maybe even make it a contest or something. I’m just getting started in this so I don’t have a lot of cash and we’re about 27 seconds away from foreclosure (which is GREAT for depression by the way) but I think I would be able to offer $100 in free Passion Parties product for the finished vagina and penis. If you think it would take more, I could do $100 in product immediately and $100 more product in one month. I’m sure people wouldn’t want to do the whole project just for the chance to win, so I’m not sure how they would throw their hat in the ring, maybe submit pictures of their knitting/crocheting past projects to show their talent? plus a goofy essay “Why I Can Totally Knit/Crochet a Stellar Vagina & Penis”? I’m not sure, but I have a hunch your readers would LOVE to see the entries. Then you could choose the winner and I could give you the prize to give to your readers, I could even give it to you beforehand to show you I won’t flake out on you.

Take a look at my “Info” on my facebook profile and that should hopefully prove to you that I’m not a total douche-canoe. I have links to my blog (which I’ve mentioned you to my three readers a few different times) and my Passion Parties online catalog and my Passion Parties Facebook Pages which come in Mild & Wild just like hot wings. Except less messy and you don’t have to tip me. Unless you want to. Because we’re out of toilet paper and Tom doesn’t get paid until next week. So I’ll probably “borrow” some from the gas station restroom.

Thank you, Jenny, for listening to my verbal diarrhea and please know that if you say no you’re not interested I will totally understand and there will be no hard feelings. You have total immunity from getting unsubscribed in my Google Reader for life or longer.

Love,

Dory

——

And promptly forgot about it and moved onto other more important things, like tax refunds and finishing Lost.

But Jenny didn’t. Jenny emailed me back and told me clearly I was insane but in a good way (she TOTALLY gets me) and that she would see what she could do.

I would have been happy with that. Because, DOOD. JENNY. EMAILED. ME.

But then Jenny wrote about it in her SexIs column.

And there were comments. MANY comments. Many FUNNY comments. Many Funny HELPFUL comments.

Because Jenny and Her People rock out loud like that.

Then Jenny emailed me and said, hey, there’s this chick that wants to take on this challenge. Email her.

I was put here on this earth to do Jenny’s bidding, so who am I to disobey?

So that’s how I met Louise.

I love Louise.

Louise and I emailed back and forth a little and much, MUCH faster than I thought would happen, Louise sent me PICTURES. Pictures of PROGRESS.

I am not a crier. I got a little emotional when I saw these pictures, I can’t lie to you; I got a little misty-eyed.

Because I was so. Damn. Happy.

That hasn’t happened in a while, and it weirded me out a little at first. But then I just went with it. My heart grew TWO sizes that day.

It is absolutely amazing. I don’t mean amazing like the amazing connection the psycho bitch feels for The Bachelor. As she sobs her mascara off and ugly cries and screams and burns down the mansion.

I mean the amazing that makes me feel like good things can happen to ME.

The blogosphere is astounding and amazing and wonderful, and I am humbled by what we will do for one of our own.

Like use the power of Our People to help a little blogger. Or use the power of our talent to help someone we’ve met online for four minutes.

It’s an absolutely beautiful thing. And I’ll never forget it. Pinky swear.

So here’s what you need to know!

Here’s my shop’s Facebook Pages, Mild and Wild. “Like” one or both. I offer access to secret specials and sales there, as well as articles, tips and techniques to enhance your romantic relationships. Here’s my shop. Go there. Click Shop Online and have some fun. I’m only $23 in sales away from hitting a milestone, which would be $1500 in sales for March, and only $523 away from $2000 which would mean I would bonus for the first time and get $100 bonus. Just sayin’.

Here’s Louise’s shop’s Facebook Page. Check it out. “Like it”. Offer her a challenge. Tell her you want something weird knitted. Buy something. It will make you more interesting and better liked. I mean, look at me! Now I can be the sex toy lady with the Knitted Naughties! I feel more popular already!

And of course, here’s Jenny. Here’s the link that probably landed you here.

I love you, Jenny! In a totally non-practicing-lesbian-lover-but-questioning kind of way.

I love you, Louise! In a totally non-practicing-lesbian-lover-but-questioning-and-considering-a-threesome kind of way.

I sincerely hope that Jenny and Louise and I get to meet and hug and clink drinks together someday.

I told Louise that Jenny and I would be hiding in the Ladies Room and she would need to be on board with this, but I’m pretty sure it’s still under consideration.

But most of all, I love you, Mah Peepull. I rillyrilly do. Especially you and you who have been with me since 2007.

Because even when I’m a complete guanomaniac, you love me. Even when I go weeks at a time without inspiration to write, you keep me in your reader and encourage me when I do put something up.

*big wet sloppy kisses all around and jumping up and down hugs too*

OH. Almost forgot to tell you.

Pending a clean background check, TOM HAS A BIG BOY JOB. That pays him what him and his master’s degree and his $80k in student loans are worth. If anything bad comes up on the background check, Tom’s just going to say he was drunk. Folks will excuse you from all manner of transgressions with a well played, “But you see, I was drunk.”

My party last Friday was $837. My best party EVER. DAMN.

I’m still in shock. After all the SHIT that we’ve endured, and cried over, and prayed through, FINALLY, good stuff is happening.

Thank you, God. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. God, you are SO good.

Dory

P.S. Sorry if you got Google juice on you with all those links up there. But those ladies deserve it. Every single bit. You should try it. It’s linky love. It’s fun. It’s good karma. And you need to be hosed down when it’s over. You know you did something hawsum when you need to be hosed down after you do it.

P.P.S. Ok, honestly, I’m not sorry. And you should be blessed by that Google juice that got splashed on you. It feels like holy water and tastes like Lucky Charms and goes down like KoolAid.

P.P.P.S. Mmmmmmmmmmm, Lucky Charms.

P.P.P.P.S. I’m magically delicious.

P.P.P.P.P.S. And so is Embrace, the edible lube. The vanilla tastes like, (guess what?) Lucky Charms. Now, THAT shit is magical. It’s in my shop online under “Lubricants.”

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. In honor of Jenny, I’m offering a sale good thru 11:59pm Sunday night. If a sale on sex toys doesn’t say love, then I don’t know what does. Anyway. 1 person can take 25% off their order, code WOOHOO25. 1 person, 20%, WOOHOO20. 1 person, 15%, WOOHOO15. Got to www.designyourpassion.com click through to my website and click on Shop Online. Try the first one, and if it doesn’t work, try the next, etc. Have fun!

The picture:


The video:

Now they need names!

If you wanted me broken, God, here I am. In front of You and everybody, I am broken. I’ve got the crying hangover and hurt heart to prove it. Now what do You want me to do?

What about me?
It isn’t fair!
I’ve had enough,
now I want my share!
Can’t you see?
I wanna live
But you just take more
than you give
Moving Pictures – What About Me

This is my red flag.

I can be merrily rolling along, the sky’s blue, the birds are singing just for me, when something lands

(THUD.)

Right in the middle of my perfectly good day.

And it doesn’t exactly smell like roses.

It offends my delicate sensabilities, and it might even make my lip curl.

Sometimes I don’t even recognize this, but… at that moment, I have a choice.

I can choose right thinking, and extend people involved some grace and the benefit of the doubt.

Or I can choose wrong thinking, and start spinning conspiracy theories. I might have a well-timed tantrum if the wind blows right. I might even enlist innocent bystanders into my battle, and get them riled up for the cause.

In the middle of my self-righteous railing against a situation I have minimal control over, my grumbling and complaining might have even reached fever pitch before the star of my pity party shows up.

But here it comes. In 3… 2… 1…

What about me?

There it is.

And we’re off!

How dare they take the good stuff and leave me leftovers! What about me? Don’t I deserve good stuff too?

How dare they leave me out of that decision! What about me? Don’t I deserve a say?

How dare they push me aside! What about me? Don’t I deserve to be front and center?

How dare they leave me out of the loop! What about me? Don’t I deserve to be in the know as well?

How dare they not consider how I feel! What about me? Don’t I deserve to be heard?

How dare they be abrupt with me! What about me? Don’t I deserve to be treated well?

How dare they pass me over! What about me? Don’t I deserve to be seen?

What. About. ME?

WHAT. ABOUT. ME?

Sometimes I catch that red flag right away. Sometimes I need Tom to wave that red flag.

But hopefully, eventually, I see that red flag emblazoned with the war cry of selfishness – WHAT ABOUT ME.

And hopefully, eventually, I heed that red flag and stop and think.

Because… new flash… It’s not about me.

It shouldn’t be.

If I’m making it about me, my whole raison d’etre is wrong.

If I’m making it about God, I’m on the right track.

Because if I make it about serving Him in my every step, my every breath, every heartbeat, then He will take care of the rest, much better than I ever could have done.

When I work, when I play; when I serve my husband, when I serve my sons; I’ve got to be doing it for God, not for me.

For this moment, right now, I’ve got that straight.

But I’m sure I’ll see that stupid red flag soon.

Probably in a few minutes.

I’m kind of dense like that sometimes.

I just pray that I see it and then make the right choice before any major damage is done.

Yet another “Best of 2009″ post to clog up your Google Reader! Woo Hoo!

Top Pet Peeve About 2010

I can’t give you a sensible reason for this little bit of craziness, but I absolutely abhor the phrase “twenty ten.” Every time I hear someone say that, it makes my eye twitch. “Two thousand ten” will do nicely, thankyouverymuch. Is this just me being insane, or is anyone else in this particular crazy boat with me?

Top 10 Commenters

These folks were nice enough to leave me little nuggets of verbal cocaine this year. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your kind words and two cents, Mah Peepull.

1. CityGirl (62)
2. fatboyfat (13)
3. Andi (12)
4. Tom (12)
5. Heather (11)
6. Jocelyn (9)
7. BrownEyedGirl (8)
8. Musing (8)
9. Trienne (8)
10. Raven (8)

Top 10 Viewed Posts

Last year, my top viewed posts were mostly people coming to a certain post from another blogger’s page. I saw a lot more traffic from search engines this year.

1. How to play with Pieces of Flair on Facebook (warning: SEVERE TIME SUCK.) (444)
2. I’d like to call this meeting to order… (402)
3. Dory Data (181)
4. Photoshop Phriday #6: Make Those Eyes POP! (166)
5. Coming soon to a sarcastic inappropriate greeting card line near you! (164)
6. You’re looking right up her skirt. (141)
7. Now I’m deaf AND I have a goose-egg on my forehead from bashing it on my desk. HAWSUM. (130)
8. Joyce Meyer 27th Annual Women’s Conference (123)
9. Joyce Meyer 26th Annual Women’s Conference (122)
10. Photoshop Phriday #5: Drawing Attention with Selective Color (110)

Top Referrers

Again, different from last year. For the most part, traffic came from DeafRead and various social media rather than from other bloggers. This coming year I’m going to try to comment more on others’ blogs to change that.

1. deafread.com (328)
2. countrygirl-citygirl.blogspot.com (136)
3. google.com/reader/view (130)
4. twitter.com/dorydorydory (128)
5. blogexplosion.com/members/surf.php (59)
6. blogger.com/profile/14433908788658936… probably people clicking on me in others’ comment sections(47)
7. facebook.com/home.php? (45)
8. 42wallabywaysydney.blogspot.com My old blog, now closed (40)
9. wiki.onehertz.com/WordPress/Mandigo/S… (39)
10. entrecard.com/category/browser?catego… (35)

Top 12 Posts

The best post from each month handpicked by yours truly.

January– I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard or read the word HOPE today.

“…I wouldn’t be able to stay where he could find me; I didn’t trust either of us. I didn’t trust him to let me go without manipulative speech to wear me down, or physical pain when that didn’t work. I didn’t trust myself to stand up to his physical presence and promises of change that had never been honored in the past.”

February– You could stumble/kirtsy/digg it. Or open your window and yell. You know; whatever works.

“…It was simply astonishing. I can hear the police car before I see it in the mirror, the birds, conversation… oh, and music. Oh, wow. Oh, wow oh wow oh wow. Music sounds right. Since my mids are gone, I can’t hear melody well at all, so music sounded… off. I can hear the bass parts well and some background, so it ends up odd or off-key unless I turn it waaay up, enough that it would do damage and prematurely deafen me. Which reminds me of another cool little extra… because these have like a noise-canceling little stopper inside the ear, it actually protects my cochlea from loud noise damage. When loud noise hits the receiver, it actually turns it down before it transmits the sound to my cochlea, so I still hear it some, but it’s buffered a little bit to avoid further damage…”

March– Consider the economy duly stimulated.

“…New Ears… New Job… New Phone… New Furnace… New Computer… …The rest of it goes to *sigh* BILLS. But I certainly can’t complain. It’s just so amazing to me how God makes sure we have everything we need and even some things we want. We’re so blessed…”

April– Top Ten Reasons You Know You’re on Graveyard Shift

“…7. If you have a high-energy dog such as, say, a Jack Russell, you catch her vibrating while she’s standing still because she insisted on sleeping 6 hours with spouse and 8 hours with you. She has so much energy she can’t even stand herself. The vibrating reaches a fever pitch. Then her head explodes…”

May–The One Where She Narrowly Avoided a Punch in the Throat a Little Bit

“So, My Writing Mojo has been MIA for a couple months now. I came just short of putting out an APB when she flounced in unceremoniously this morning, dropped her bag on the floor, flopped on the couch with her feet up on one arm, and turned on the TV…”

June– Coming soon to a sarcastic inappropriate greeting card line near you!

“Just in case you hadn’t noticed, I am a talented and very serious artist. I call this… Mixed Message. (Only click through if there are no bosses, kiddies, kitties, members of the clergy, Dakota Fanning, or baskets of fluffy chicks and goslings present.)…”

July– The Top Ten Items to Donate to Mission of Hope or YOUR Local Mission

“The Mission of Hope has been busier than ever lately; even busier than after last year’s flood, and that’s really saying something. Supply is short and needs are long. What? What’s that you said? “Really, Dory, I had no idea! How can I help?”…”

August– She’s gettin’ a tattoo, She’s gettin’ ink done, She asked for a 13 but they drew a 31…

“Well, I’ve been threatening to get a Dory tattoo for several months now, and today I put my needle where my mouth is.”

September– Joyce Meyer 27th Annual Women’s Conference

“Once upon a time last Thursday, three Godsisters went to St. Louis. And it was even better than last year! Outside the Edward Jones Dome, they took their own picture right before they went in for the first session of the Joyce Meyer Women’s Conference…”

October– I can’t unsee whut I saw’d

“…The world went into slow motion plus extreme close-up, and as I went by, I saw him turn his head and mouth a tiny, afraid MEW….”

November– The Veteran’s Day Edition

“…I am a veteran. I just wish I could have been a better one.”

December– The snow flies and Cedar Rapids screams like a little bitty girl.

“These pics aren’t great, but I was just outside smoking and took them with my trusty iPhone to share with you. They’ll have to do, I suppose…”

Top Big Sigh of Relief That I Don’t Have to Award The Top Tall Finger From Last Year

All in all, 2009 was much better than 2008, THANK GOD.

2009 brought me hearing aids, which brought me back phone use and a JOB that (bonus plan, baby!) I LOVE. 2009 also brought me some freelance graphic work, sales of my photography, and Tom’s graduation with his BSW.

Here’s to 2010 with an abundance of love, happiness, and prosperity for all of us.